Two large white envelopes sit in my car, waiting for lunchtime so that I can take them to the post box. One is my CRBA (Consular Report of Birth Abroad) request for name and gender change and the other, my request for a name change on my DD-214 (Certificate of Release or Discharge from Active Duty). I mailed an envelope yesterday which contained my two vehicle title amendment requests. These three envelopes constitute the last of my name change requests, the last of my nervous hopefulness that they will not reject my requests. I will be relieved once everything is approved and I get my new car titles, CRBA and DD-214. The legal paperwork changes will be finally complete.
I had my 6 month hrt checkup with my doctor last month, Dr. Ferrantelli is so good at listening to my personal goals and helping me to plan for that goal. I have to lose weight so that I can start getting my surgeries, the first of which is a bilateral orchiectomy (removal of both testes). So my goal is to lose 50 lbs to 80 lbs this year. That means getting back on the treadmill and hiking, getting out more. I’ve already lost 48 lbs this last year so it’s a continuation of eating right and adding more exercise into my daily routine. Once I hit that mark, then I will see what my insurance will cover. My doctor told me that she and the clinic can help me to get insurance to help with these surgeries. I know I would like to get the rest of the bottom surgery completed. In a world where I can afford it, I would get a breast enhancement. Nothing crazy, just a size up from B to C cup. I want to stress that none of these surgeries “make me a woman”, I always was, they (bottom surgery) will just help me survive gender dysphoria.
My panic attacks have lessened to an almost never situation, that is partially due to my E levels not being 450+ on a constant basis and instead leveling out to a nice 160 at the end of my cycle. I’ve come to terms with most of my relationship issues and some things with my wife I have learned to understand better. But also because I am knocking the things I could, off my list that were causing me anxiety. I still have to work on my apparently PTSD and more internalized issues, but it’s getting to be manageable and I no longer feel like every single moment being awake is a potential panic attack. Life is complicated and there is no ON/OFF switch, I liken it to ocean waves, you will get rhythmic waves and they can lull you, soothe you. But then a rogue wave will come crashing in against all the other waves and causes nothing but disruption. I’m learning to navigate my ocean, but even so there are going to be rogue waves, knowing that helps me prepare. Hmm, maybe I miss the ocean… /Nautical Metaphor
I’ve withdrawn a bit from social media, not really sure why. I think that with the political climate I am finding that I am posting almost nothing but responses to political issues. I’m not saying I shouldn’t, we all should take an active interest in politics. But there is more to life than that and I am pretty much preaching to the choir as most of those that follow me are of like mind, politically. It’s animal videos and political posts, so I have minimized my posts until I have something that needs to be said or I have a different topic. I’m trying to get my blog out to more people, using instagram and the like, which I never did before. I’m not doing this for traffic, but so that there is more of a chance that a baby trans, just starting trans person or someone who just needs to know that others like them are out there. I would also love it for cis people to read this blog and it help them gain some kind of understanding of trans people. My experience isn’t comprehensive, I live under several privileges as a trans woman, but if they can find other blogs through mine, then even better. I don’t want to be an “influencer”, I want to be involved and to involve others. I kind of screwed myself on twitter by being too aggressive in my defense of others and in being too active on political posts. I was banned from twitter, permanently. I don’t think my ban was fair as I was mass reported by a combination of TERFs and Trump supporters, but I’m not dwelling on that as it won’t change the ban. The twitter ban is an inconvenience but not much more than that. It just means I have to be more creative in how I get my blog out into the interwebs.
Our new D&D campaign is on hold for now, our GM is going through something. We love the game, but we had several people drop out due to school or work or both. So it’s just me and Michelle that are playing. I was hopeful to find others to join in the game but no luck so far. I understand how people can be hesitant to join a game that is online through discord, with others they don’t know. Just sucks because we were loving our characters and the game setting. We were out of my comfort zone of playing in the forgotten realms, so I was excited to learn about the world and everything. I’m seeing the game as only on hold, hopeful that Joe will feel up to continuing the game at some point.
Theo, a friend of ours from the old Memphis Best Buy days, is running a D&D game as well. We aren’t sure how long he will be able to run as he is hampered by some external issues. We only play 2 hours every other Saturday, so it seems like forever since we are able to play again. But I understand he has a limited window in which he can run. I’m playing a tiefling shadow sorcerer who has a background as a lookout for thieves. Michelle is playing a bad-ass dex fighter, who has a habit of pocketing other people’s things. Joe (our normal GM) is playing, yes playing, a paladin of Mask. So far, we are all kind of steal-y centric but not falling over each other to pick a lock or anything. Enjoying the game so far, Theo isn’t a seasoned GM, he is new to that side of the game. But he is doing well considering we, as a group, tend to derail his ideas of where we are going and what we might do. I’m happy to finally be able to play with Joe again, who rarely gets to be a PC.