I want to tell you about the things that have been happening. Some of the happenings have been within and some without, all good things, so this isn’t a complaining or morose posting. I know, right, it’s about time.
A major portion of my anxieties have apparently been about my relationship with my wife. Or rather, my perceived and unfounded fears about her feelings towards me. See, I felt she was pulling away emotionally, and that perhaps I was not enough or too much or something. I posted our specific issues anonymously on a FB group of wonderful, supportive women so that I could get their perspective on our issues. I’m not going into the specific issues here as I am not the only one going through them and it’s unfair to Michelle for me to post them. Anyway, they gave me some really good insight as women who have gone through the same thing as her. It gave me the confidence to acknowledge that one of the issues was not about me at all, only a manifestation of a residual issue from much earlier in her life.
Knowing that it’s not about me allows me to be supportive and more understanding for her instead of dwelling on what I have done or what faults of mine may have lead to this. I can focus on trying to help her. In this realization, I have found that my panic attacks have lessened to almost not there anymore. Of course there are other issues of my own that I still need to address and I am looking for someone within my insurance to talk to and get those issues addressed. Still, it’s a relief not to live in a constant state of anxiety.
It’s been close to two years since I started HRT, it seems like time has sped by, just crazily fast. I’ve decided that trying to track the changes or to fixate on the time which those changes have taken is the way to madness. So, instead I will say that HRT is the single greatest thing I have done for myself aside from coming out. Physical changes have happened and continue to happen, my breasts continue to slowly grow, I’m now a comfortable “B” cup. They may never get larger, though I would love to be in the realm of a “C” cup. I’m not terribly bothered by it, so I doubt I will seek a surgical solution. My skin and facial features are smoother, my hips and buttocks are a bit more rounded, you know all the traditional “I’m on HRT and this is happening” tropes. My sex drive is not where it was while I was being poisoned by testosterone, but I’m glad about that. Sex doesn’t drive my every action now, and I still have a healthy libido rather than an overactive one. The Progesterone did a lot for both the breasts and the sex drive returning.
Truthfully, I don’t think about the pills or injections anymore. I just do them and move on with my day. I don’t ponder who I am, that was for the mask to do because there was conflict. I do look back and wonder or mourn at why it took me so long to do this. But, otherwise, I don’t even think of myself as having ever worn a mask, it’s just a fading memory that I don’t care about. My memories are often with me, sans mask, the real me if that makes sense. I don’t track changes, I don’t wonder at what people will think, I don’t worry about what the pizza delivery guy will think. I don’t hesitate to use the correct public restroom. There is nothing to wonder at, the mask was just a subconscious protection and it’s gone now, no longer needed. My coming out was awkward, but every butterfly is awkward before their wings dry. Now, I fly, untethered.
In other life news, our new D&D campaign is full of surprises, and really engaging. The previous (and all other from Joe being DM) have been based on Toril. And since we played PC’s becoming gods in the last campaign, Toril’s fate was very much in question when the campaign ended. This one started as our young characters believing they were still on Toril in the aftermath of the previous campaign, and having no idea how long it had been since those events. In the game on Saturday, we found out that the world we are on isn’t Toril at all! Magic isn’t gone (we previously believed it was), only the weave is gone and we found out that this world has a different form of magic, like allomancy (using metals and it’s consumption to create magical effects). There are possibly other forms, but we haven’t encountered them yet. Still, very cool and I am loving that I don’t know, as a player, don’t know this world at all. I knew Toril way too well and it bled into my characters. This is a new exploration, and a complete unknown in what we can expect. I’m playing a halfling monk (drunken master) who is curious and sweet, I am loving playing her!