Not Not Happy

Photo by Luca Upper on Unsplash

I received several DMs about my last post, so I wanted to make a few things clear and perhaps explain why though it was perceived as “dark” it’s actually a positive post. Despite my panic attacks, I am truly happy in my life, happy being me, happy in my marriage. Panic attacks aren’t a symptom of my transition or my lifestyle, sexual orientation or marriage. They are simply a symptom of my stress, that is stress from bills and work, watching my Mother die from lung cancer, a literal war in which I saw people on both sides die, and the loss of family that I love due to my coming out. 

My estrogen levels are high at 455 pg/ml. To gain some perspective on this, the normal blood levels of estradiol in females: children and adolescents: up to 350 pg/ml. adults: 15–350 pg/ml. I am constantly running within the estrogen range of a pregnant cis woman in her first trimester. I am also on progesterone which is running fairly high as well.

Most of my issues with the hormones can be mediated by talking to my doctor during my next scheduled appointment and slightly reducing my delestrogen medication. But also, I need counseling as I never actually dealt with any of my feelings before, never processed my losses my guilt at surviving. These are things worth processing but I wasn’t equipped and I just pushed them down and it became a leaden weight on my soul.

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

So, you see, my post about the New Year wasn’t intended as a dark or dispirited revelation. It’s one of hope and light, as I know that it’s about unburdening myself of the many strings tying down my soul. Before I came out, I mourned my existence, mourned who I am, mourned my life. I am no longer tethered by my fear. I love my life, I love the family and friends who have stayed by my side, and the new friends I have made and I love who I am. I am tearing up at work now, ruining my mascara, because as I write this I am thinking of how truly lucky I am to be surrounded by people who helped me find myself and who make my life a joy. Worth it.

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