Looking back over 2019, there were good and bad times, hard and easy times. When it came to my coming out, personally and professionally, it was a good time. This last year was the single largest step I have taken in my life to being me and it felt fantastic. Though, even the word “fantastic” seems to be too small, too little of how I felt. Emotionally, you would think I have found the golden ticket. But really, I’m at my lowest point in a long time. The panic attacks and constant worry about those attacks, they have led me down some dark paths. I am fixated on mortality, now that I actually have a life worth living. I never feared for my life before, it wasn’t really worth having so I didn’t worry over losing it. Also, given my lack of understanding the inner workings of other people, I also worry over losing Michelle.
She has her own issues and those are well and private, so I won’t go into why I feel this way. I don’t have the cocky assurance that she loves me, and will always be by my side. I only have the insecurity of feeling like an emotional hardship for her. We used to banter and though she wasn’t prone to grandiose displays of affection, she did often post on FB or tell others how I did something nice, like giving her flowers or the things I did or a Christmas gift. Now, if she gets flowers or I do something for her, there is complete silence, not even a murmured thank you. To me, this seems to be a red flag. Of course, there is something to be said for irony. It could be that my worrying is what is causing her to withdraw from me emotionally. What do I know, I am flawed and ignorant about the motivation of others.
So, I will be working on my emotional state this new year. Going back to counseling, trying to attend and confront what is causing me panic and issues. Having easily tapped emotions is not something I have encountered in the past. So now it’s about learning to deal with them in a healthy way. I want my family and friends to be happy and not worried about me or upset with me. It would be great to try to get some of my dysphoria attended to, surgical procedures done, as I’m hopeful that the new insurance will cover some of them.
My life is far from perfect, but it’s getting better even with a step or two backwards here and there. I think that is what most people’s lives are like. So, I’m not complaining, just acknowledging that I can make improvements even if I can’t fix everything.