I have been having ongoing issues with intense anxiety attacks, over the last several months. These attacks leave me constantly worried that I am going to have another one, so the self-fulfilling prophecy of attacks is sustained on my worry alone. Fun, right?
They tend to come at night, when I feel isolated and alone, and they are fueled by every notion of doubt and guilt. Not a coherent line of thoughts, but a sticky paste of “bad”. The racing heart, feeling of suffocation, overheating body, it’s all there, you know, to make it more fun. I don’t get to die, just feel like I am, over and over.
So, last week I called to see if they offered counseling at WNCCHS (by the way, consider donating because they help people, you shouldn’t need more incentive than that), they do offer it and they accepted walk-ins. So I went in to see the counselor on Monday. I waited in the lobby for about 10 minutes and then met the counselor. After going into his office, I threw my entire life at him in about two hours. If I hadn’t been crying, I might have laughed, I hit him with a lot at once. Of course he was only there to help direct me based on his observation, but I gave him a LOT to observe. I’m of the mind that if I am going to go through counseling, I’m not going to hold anything back. I want them to have the full accounting, and they can weed out what isn’t needed.
After the session, which he neither rushed me through or gave a time limit for, he told me that he thought it would be a good idea to see someone on a regular basis. He gave me several avenues, including a therapist at the clinic who I could see. The only issue with the clinic is that it is a 45 minute drive into Asheville, so I would prefer to see someone in Brevard if possible. Either way, I want to wait as our company is changing insurance companies this year and I want to make sure I get a covered therapist without having to change. After the first of the year, I’ll start seeing someone.
I wouldn’t think this needs to be said, but having anxiety attacks isn’t an indication of my happiness, it’s also not a part of my depression. You can be happy and still have anxiety attacks, you can be happy and still be depressed. I am truly happy. I love that I am finally me, mask free. I love my life and my family. I am happy every time my wife refers to me as “wife”, I am happy every time she says my name. None of this has any bearing on my anxiety. I need to learn to manage my actual emotions.
I don’t leave much out of this blog, I’m pretty open. I will relate what I can with counseling, so that you have an idea of what it consists of, for me anyway. But not everything can be shared. I have deep cuts to my soul that I may never share with anyone. I will share what I can.
This post sounds like a downer, but really I am hopeful and have a positive outlook on this.