On or around my birthday, I almost always post something on facebook going over my past failures and misdeeds, my regrets and disillusionment. It was a way for me to remember humility, that is what I told myself. It was really about hating who I was, hating the mask I wore and the cowardice that drove me to continue wearing it.
Since coming out, and finding that even so late in life I can be happy, it makes little sense to berate myself for the things I did in the past. I hated me, so I couldn’t truly love another then. I felt love but I wasn’t ever going to be in a healthy relationship because of how I felt about myself. I don’t hate me know, I feel… normal, for once.
I still look back, wish I had made better decisions or that I had been a better person. Nostalgia will always have its place and we should examine our lives, good and bad. But I don’t feel compelled to self-flagellation, I don’t feel the need to punish myself. Instead, I am going to enjoy every single day, try to make it the best day I can for me and for others. It’s a work in progress, I am still trying to shed years of cultural privilege and to be the person I always was inside. I couldn’t let others have the last word or to let them have the reigns. I had to be in control and I didn’t trust in others. This led to me taking far longer in life to be me, but it gave me time to learn trust.
Today is my birthday, I’m going to have a happy one. Time is a construct of mankind but it’s our construct and I am going to try to use it wisely.