I had a nice restful, five days away from work. I had taken the time originally because we wanted to celebrate Independence Day with my In-Laws the weekend after the holiday. This way, my father-in-law could enjoy himself and not have to rush off back to work the next day. Unfortunately, the weather did not work out for us at all, with heavy rain predicted, and because they would have to drive over an hour from another state, they had to call it off. I was disappointed, but I decided to keep the time off and enjoy my time at home. My birthday was on July 10th, so I saw it as a long birthday present to myself.
On Sunday, a few days before my birthday, my wife gave me a birthday present as she still had to work on my birthday. Typically, we get some small thing for each other on birthdays. Usually it is something like a geeky trinket from a favorite show. While I do love these, I have longed for her to get me something a bit more feminine occasionally. This time she had bought me some cosmetics! (actual pic above) And to not totally go away from our geeky trinkets, she also got me an angry Meeseeks plushy, from Rick and Morty which we both enjoy. I was happy to get the trinket, but I was so touched by her gift of cosmetics. Michelle also made a pina colada cake, she insists on making cakes for everyone’s birthday and the birthday girl or boy must pick the type of cake. I don’t have a favorite cake, I like cake and all I just don’t have a favorite. So, I think I picked the cake she made for my last birthday. I am sure that this will now be seen as my favorite.
The rest of the time spent over five days was doing almost nothing at all. I did go to my fourth LHR appt, which I had delayed a few days to fall within my days off. It was painful and once done you are supposed to stay out of the sun, but I had to do yard work the next day before it started raining again. We live in a microclimate rainforest, so it rains like it’s angry at us most of the time. So, I was hot, sweating and slathered in sunblock, not a great feeling. But I did get the yard work done and felt very happy with the results. I keep the front and immediate back yards looking nice and trim (when it’s possible), but I let the back half of our 2.5 acres grow a bit, rarely cutting that area so that we have wild life. We have bunnies, everywhere, 4 or 5 burrows at any given time. We have a feral cat, we call “Ghost Kitty” who is white, mottled with a very light gray. We have a white squirrel, named “Binky”. He isn’t albino, he is white it’s a thing for the town nearby but we never had them near our house, now we have Binky living in our maple tree. We have black racer snakes and a few garter snakes that roam the property, keeping the rodents down. Of course, with all this activity we have owls, but so far, no other predators. We hear foxes in the distance but haven’t seen sign of them on the property. It’s the cutest petting zoo, except they won’t let me pet them and they come and go as they like, so more like roommates that don’t hug.
I got a notification from the pharmacy on my birthday as well, that my Estradiol patches were ready for pickup. I was looking at the app, uncomprehendingly for a bit, as it was telling me that there were 48 patches ready for pickup at $448.00, with the directions of one/day use. I called the pharmacy and asked them what was going on. The pharmacist was also confused as to why anyone would order so many and for patches it’s several days use, never a one-day use. They called my doctor and fixed everything by later in the day. I typically get 8 patches, and replace them every three days, the cost is pretty high as my insurance isn’t great, around $70 on average. The lesson here is always question when things seem wrong, if medication is changed without your discussing it with your doctor or nurse, question it. Even if the cost had been low, this would have been a horrible waste of patches, changing them daily. My doctor’s office had likely mixed up the Spiron which I do take daily and they issue 48 pills at a time, with the Estradiol. She is a great doctor and I like that they pay attention to me, but they are inundated with other transgender as well as cis patients, mistakes happen. You must always make sure that you are checking your medication. I even check the pills and patches to make sure they are correct when I get them from the pharmacy. It might sound as if it’s a bit excessive, but I know that humans make mistakes so I am verifying for my own well-being.
I had to return to work today, I could have taken the week but it would only be harder to go back that place. I enjoyed being me without the mask even being a thought. But this morning, I picked up the mask where it had almost faded away and loosely affixed it back onto my soul. The mask is more substantial now that it is feeding upon me again, though it can find no purchase to become solid again. I only need it for one aspect of my life now and that facet becomes less important to me as time goes by. I need the paycheck and the insurance, but as the job search continues and my fear wanes, I lose interest in keeping who I am a secret. I try for patience and grace in the face of my obstacles, it’s not always possible, but I try.