I met with my doctor last Wednesday, at WNCCHS for a two month check on how I was doing. So far, so good. I am on track and with the recent increase of Spiron to 75mg, it looks like my T levels will be almost nothing which will be confirmed with next month’s bloodwork. No complaints here, I mean I want everything now but that is not how HRT works. We discussed my wanting an orchiectomy and she agrees with me, that once we check blood work and if I am at the ‘undetectable range” and I’m feeling good and not having issues with a lack of T in my system, then an orchi would be a way to go in order to remove Spiron from the medication I am taking. I love that my doctor listens to what I say and wants to help me get there. We both teared up a bit when I told her about the support I have and the wonderful friends and family that are there cheering me on. A really good visit with the clinic, I always feel a bit more empowered when I leave.
A few weeks ago, my stress about work had caused an anxiety attack and now that I know I’m not having a heart attack or something, this has been easier to deal with. I honestly don’t think that this has anything to do with my medication. I have had anxiety attacks about 10 or so years ago, from stress of my position and things in my life. Now, I just try to calm myself, take a moment and drink some water. I find that though I might still feel the anxiety I can operate, still function. My life isn’t hard, my work situation just sucks.
I was doing two jobs, that of IT Manager and Logistics Manager, not an ideal way to do things. So recently I withdrew from the one area that we could use contract labor on, the IT position. I’m not happy about being in Logistics, mainly because of the toxic masculinity that it usually has associated. But at least I am not doing two full time positions anymore. I had posted on my blog before how one of my employees in logistics had started calling everyone in the facility to tell them that a “shemale” truck driver was in the building. I wasn’t there that day, I wish I had been so I could have put a stop to it right then and offer apologies to her for the treatment she had received. But I was out that day, only belatedly able to counsel the employee on his conduct. These are the type of people I will have to deal with when I come out. Luckily, I oversee them and there are always people looking for work.
In what I can only explain as the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, I have noticed a lot of transgender people who have anxiety attacks since my coming out. I do not, however, believe that this is symptomatic of being transgender, but of the stresses of being transgender within a culture that is at best not accepting and at worst murderous. I know that I am in one of the best possible positions for coming out, I am middle class, white and I have an active support system in family and friends. I still experience stress and anxiety attacks from that stress and agonizing over every move which could prove disastrous. There is no wondering why so many of us have anxiety attacks, it’s a stressful situation and it can continue throughout our lives if we don’t find ways to deal with it. I know pointing to a website isn’t solving the issue, but in the intermediate of getting professional help, I found a site that allowed me to at least understand and deal with my anxiety attacks in a real way. I find myself able to, if not eliminate the anxiety completely, to reduce it to manageable levels.