Returning from Break


Christmas break was good, I had a week and a half of nice relaxing time with family. It would have been nice to have my friends there, but they are spread out and busy with their own families. On Christmas, I even got “Merry Christmas” texts from my brothers, Scott & Paul. It’s more than I expected for Scott really, perhaps he is coming around? I missed my Mom & Dad, their absence was palpable for me. Dad’s birthday is on Christmas, poor guy never had a birthday in living memory. Mom would always call us before the holidays and ask us what we wanted from “Honey-Baked Ham”. She was always insistent on this, so we always ordered the smallest, cheapest thing we could get away with. Lol, Mom and I would argue about her spending money on something we didn’t need. But that wasn’t there this year, no more sparring with Mom.


Michelle’s family lives an hour away and we usually plan on visiting them or them visiting us during holidays. Generally, we will go to them for Thanksgiving and on Christmas we will host at our home. And it went that way this time as well. We had a nice thanksgiving at their house in South Carolina and they came up to North Carolina the day after Christmas to have a meal and exchange presents with us. This year we decided to do a “Harry Potter Christmas”. Meaning we had flying keys, wands, Christmas crackers, 12 miniature Christmas trees (to replicate Hagrid’s trees in the great hall). My wife, Michelle, made a lot of the items by hand. We some of the decorations were items we bought while on vacation at the Wizarding World in Orlando last summer. It was very cool and people got into the spirit of it quickly. I was in boy mode during their visit, as they still don’t “know” though I suspect they do and aren’t saying anything. Regardless, I didn’t put anything away, my necklace that says “Beth” still hung right at eye level off the hook near our bathroom mirror, my cosmetics and nail polishes were still on my computer desk. I made no attempt other than dressing as a male, to disguise who I am. I am over hiding who I am from the last remnants of my family.


Michelle and I went shopping three days after Christmas, we didn’t really want to leave the nice warm and cozy house. But, we had to restock on food and supplies, the Christmas nesting season was over for us. While we were shopping, we had to go into the cosmetics isle because she was out of mascara. My wife, as you may know from previous posts, is generally good about who I am but rarely refers to me as a woman. She is coming around more and more to this and has stopped completely with the awkward silence when I dress as me and not as my mask. Anyway, we were in the cosmetics isle and was passing a perfume/body fragrance section and she asked me if I wanted to look for some perfume. I was momentarily stunned from this. She never balks at us perusing cosmetics together, but she never instigates it. She and I went through the fragrances and she helped me find a nice apple fragrance. It was nice that she was treating me as me and not as the mask. Small things like this, they help greatly.


So, the holidays are done and now both my wife and I are looking at the long, hard slog of dieting. There are so many diets out there and many different types, it can seem daunting. As a couple, we do well on diets, it’s when we try to do it alone is when it falls apart. At the moment, we both have the same goal, to lose weight, tone up and fit into those dresses we bought a year ago that were a couple sizes too small. I have considered things like Nutrisystem, where they provide the meals. I like the thought of this, as it brings more control into the diet. Meals are provided, they are the size they need to be and already prepped. But of course, it’s about the cost. Every two weeks, food for one person would be roughly $168. That is slightly less than what we budget for a full month for two adults and two children. So, we decided to make our own plan, that we can make a lot of up front and just pull out of the fridge when needed.  I hate dieting, but I enjoy the way I feel when weight starts to come off. We have a treadmill in the office that I have been ignoring that needs to get used every day.


I’m still determined to grow my hair out, I don’t like wearing wigs no matter that I love the way they look. Too hot and they just never really feel right. My hair is naturally curly and wavy which is great if it’s long, it looks very feminine. But when it’s growing out, my hair is frightening and all over the place. I received some good advice on FB on how to tame my hair for work, that is until it becomes long enough for me to pull it back into a ponytail. Once I get that far, I think it’s time to just dispense with the mask at work. If it wasn’t for my worry over bills and keeping a house, I wouldn’t have let the charade get even this far. But for now, it’s hiding who I am while still trying to become more of who I am. Not an easy balance to achieve, especially when deception is not desirable in the first place.


I don’t care for linear time, years and dates mean very little to me. But as I am forced to acknowledge a complete construct of humanities devising, this year, I am looking forward to being me more if not entirely full-time. My place of employment is my anathema, as I am sure it is for most transgender people. I will continue to move forward, and when some areas get stalled I will work on other areas to keep momentum. It’s always amazed me at how much work it is just to be who you are supposed to be as transgender. Declaring who you are isn’t the end or in most cases, not even the start. Coming out is a step along the way, even if you decide transitioning isn’t for you. And they think we choose this, if only they knew how lazy I am, they would know better.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s