I want everyone to be happy, my family and friends, I even want my enemies to find some kind of happiness. But happiness isn’t a forever situation, it’s found in moments. And you can’t expect your happiness to be dependent on others, that way only leads to disappointment. If you expected me to keep living behind my mask so that you could be happy, then you are in for a long series of disappointments. I want to be happy as well, I have a right to little moments of happiness and to have those moments without apology.
Being who I am isn’t a choice, I didn’t get a say in the matter. When I wake up in the morning, go through my day and go to sleep at night, I do so as a woman. When I see myself in the mirror there is always a little jolt of fear as this man looks back through my eyes. When I go to the bathroom or take a shower, equally shocked even after all this time to see a penis. Coming out isn’t really a choice, it wasn’t done so that someone would have to deal with who I am. It was survival. I made the choice of when and how I came out, but being who I am wasn’t a choice, it just was. Funnily enough, even donning my mask wasn’t really a choice, I was forced into hiding out of fear and a complete lack of understanding of who I was. Keeping the mask on so long, that was my choice, and a bad one that I regret. I had to come out, or stop being at all.
I’ve found that a few, very few, who I have confided in and were initially happy/good with who I really am, now are not talking to me. While I didn’t expect the silent backlash, there is nothing I can do for them. I’m not retracting my words, not that it would matter as it wouldn’t change who I am. This is something they will have to deal with and I will just have to keep on living and being me without regard for their issues. I keep those who love me close and I try to stop worrying about those who don’t. Do I wish acceptance from everyone? I wish there was no reason to hope for acceptance. Being me shouldn’t be an issue, problem, point of contention, etc. The only good thing about the mask is that no one questioned it at all, protested it, based their political parties on it or claimed jesus was going to revoke my harp busking license. I’m an introvert, I think, at least within my mask I am. So I would rather be on others minds as infrequently as possible. Unless they want to tell me I am pretty or devastatingly witty, I will take those compliments all day long.
My best friend, Joe, called me during work on Thursday. I have a lot of people in this week, those who I report to, directors and CEO’s, and those who they in turn report to, mainly the owners and key shareholders. I have been stressed out to say the least. But when he called me, I think we talked for an hour and a half as I was working, I completely forgot to be stressed out. He had me laughing and giggling so much I had to walk into the server room so as not to draw attention to myself. That phone call was well placed and much needed. (I wear a douche-tooth earpiece, so I can keep my hands free to do work while I talk on the phone)
In between jokes, he told me what he had found out about the Matrix movie. This was his primary reason for calling, he had found what he felt was an interesting facet of the movie, the transgender allegory. I have to admit, though I knew about the Wachowski sisters being transgender, I hadn’t really thought about the Matrix movies, other than just enjoying them. Turns out the entire movie series is a transgender story. I had no idea and it blew my bloody mind. The “choice” of which pill to take wasn’t a choice in who you are, just a moment in time to either be yourself or to keep hiding.
For instance, the continual usage of a deadname by the antagonist, Agent Smith, calling Neo – “Mr. Anderson”. And that one of the characters, Switch, was originally supposed to be an actual transgender, male in the “real” world and female in the “matrix”. I was stunned, I just never put it together, I was hiding behind my mask when these movies came out, so I am sure I intentionally ignored the signs, of which there are many. So, I am going to watch these movies again this weekend with my own eyes, instead of through the lenses of my mask.
Thankfully I have a best friend who loves me as I am, thinks of me and what I may be going through, and makes me laugh when I need it the most. Everyone should have a Joe to bring you unexpected happy moments, and love, lots of love.