It was shocking, truly shocking like when you opened the door to your parents room and suddenly you were aware that they weren’t wrestling nude with porn playing in the background. Trump, through no fault of his own, became the president-elect of the United fucking States of god damn America. I say no fault of his own, because he has literally done everything he could think of to botch this election, even said that he could do anything and still get elected and managed to do just that. Face-palm.
My first thought was, “Oh shit, mad man in the white house, this must be a joke.” Then my second and third and every thought after that for two days was the same exact thing. But the news kept reporting this like it was real, like they weren’t playing the long game – joke on us all. Fuckers.
After all this came the anger, denial, etc. I was grieving. I was grieving for a country that so entirely lost it’s way that it voted into office, our highest office, an idiot, braggart, racist, misogynist, lying, horrible human being. I am still trying to come to terms with this. We have all had these feelings I am sure. Had to endure a lot of cis, white men (and oddly women) telling us to calm down that it isn’t that bad. Anyone else getting the WW2 vibe from this? I am. We don’t have to be calm, we don’t need to be calm. I will not be told by the people who benefit from privilege to be calm.
During this time, I had an appointment with my therapist (thankfully), and I was going as me, as Beth. I wasn’t going to not be me just because Trump being elected gave what they feel is validity to bigotry and transphobia and every other bad thing that people have decided is alright. Though, I have to say, as much as I hate the idea, if a guy grabbed my pussy, for one instant I would laugh at his shock right before they beat me to death. It would be the one single time I would be glad to have a penis.
Anyway, I went to my therapist on Thursday as me. I enjoyed the day as me, truly free of my mask for the entire day. I was supposed to meet a friend, a trans-woman who I met online and seems like a really put together person, who is out at work which is what I want to be. Unfortunately, she was sick that day and had to cancel. I am still hoping to meet up with her and others. I want to get more involved, I want to make friends in the community. My mask is an introvert and a loner, but *I* may not actually be, I don’t really know me that well since I have spent so much time pretending to be someone else. I hope that I can make friends with some people in the area, they don’t have to be trans, just people who are accepting of me really.
I decided on Thursday, after pondering if I should hide again in light of the Trump thing, that I am not going to go back. I am not going to hide in my mask again. I am still trying to work out my employment, but I am going to continue my progress and not step back into the shadows. I’m tired of having to worry that other people won’t like who I am or what I am. I am tired of it all. Trump is a tiny man who really wants to be more than he is, shades of Hitler here. I am not going to let fear of the anti-LGBTQ, race and female culture Trump is encouraging stop me from being me.
Thank you, Obama for all the things you have done for us, for the good that you have done, regardless of what happens and how this next president may undo your good works. You are a good man and a great president. You will be missed as President, but hopefully not missed as the first gentleman after the next presidential election. Please run for President, Michelle Obama.