Being after Nothingness

I have only been me for minutes at a time in my life. 5 or 10 minutes there, an hour or two here. I would steal my stepsisters or step mothers clothes and put them on and feel perfectly at home. I did go outside, but only within our property which was kind of isolated from other homes but had a lot of car traffic. So I had to be careful, but I got to be me. The clothes were either too small (stepsister) or too big (stepmother) I never looked good in them, but I felt good.

This weekend, I put on clothes that I had ordered from Amazon, clothes that fit me and felt wonderful. I went with fall colors, browns and drab greens. I also got breast forms and a soft bra! I got C cups (Thanks Avril) and they fit me perfectly. Not too large, just to fill out my form, and I felt more like me than I ever had. Amazon is a wonderful tool for Trans, I believe. I can’t imagine going to a public store in order to get clothes dressed as a man. The bravery that takes is beyond my comprehension.

We were out of milk, so I decided to go to the store to pick some up. I was feeling good about how I looked and felt. I asked R if she wanted to go, but she was tired and didn’t want to get dressed. I still wanted to go, I thought that it may be better for me to go solo. I can’t keep using R as a crutch. So, I got my things, wallet (front pocket wallet) and my keys and phone. I need a clutch very badly, I felt stupid trying to keep everything together in my hands.

I drove my wife’s car to the store, and stopped for petrol. The hurricane was in SC at the time, but the winds were getting high here, so we had gusts at 25 mph. Not conducive to wearing a wig. While I was filling the car with petrol, my hair was going crazy, I don’t know how women keep it manageable during these times. So I was pumping gas,rednecks on either side of me filling up their giant 4X4 trucks and I am trying to keep my hair down so as not to reveal my wig base and not look like a crazy lady. I was flustered.

I left there, according to my wife, leaving the gas cover open (the cap was on). And I parked in the store parking lot which is in the same area. I took a moment to gather my thoughts. I left the car and tried to get into the store casually, but then WHAM. The wind hit me in the back of the head full force, my wig stayed on but my hair went completely over my head into my face. I got in the store, frantically trying to put my hair right, while people walked on either side of me.

I ducked into a deserted aisle, which was ironically, the hair car aisle. Used my phones front facing camera to fix my hair and then calmed down, took some breaths and tried to just forget these issues. I don’t do well in crowds, I never have doesn’t matter how I am dressed. I took a moment, adjusted my clothes and went shopping. I got the milk, but I didn’t stop at milk. I went shopping for a few more items. I didn’t want to leave there feeling like I was dashing in for milk dressed in womens clothes on a dare. I wanted to shop as me. And when I went up to the self-checkout (my voice is not trained yet) I felt like me, I was just me shopping and paying for my items. I walked out of the store confident and unworried. It was a good weekend, eventually I hope to have good weeks. I am planning my transition with intent to not overthink.

2 thoughts on “Being after Nothingness

  1. Fantastic. Glad your boobs are the right size 🙂
    This is the first solo trip of many and hopefully not so windy next time. Hair blown all over the place is a nightmare for us all especially if bits get stuck on your lips.
    You will get confident enough to browse for clothes in store in time. Lucy does now and usually likes me in the vicinity (as her excuse but she is getting braver and goes on her own sometimes) and I have learnt not to rush in, scan around and walk away – I can usually scan and spot things I like quite quickly whereas Lucy will spend AGES browsing around looking at blinking everything! In the meantime Amazon and all the other online clothes store are great. We have parcels arriving every week for Lucy. She was moaning last night about not having enough bedroom storage space…. she has the same as me!


  2. I am looking forward to my next outing. My wife is looking through her many purses in her closet to see if any will work for me. I have slowed down on the purchases, it's easy to go crazy with it. But I save a lot of things in my Amazon list. lol


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