Out in the World

My daughter asked if we could go shopping this morning. I usually am dressed and have on makeup during the weekend, but I’ve never gone out during the day and certainly not into a crowded public area. So, asked her if she would mind if I went as myself this time. She looked at me to see if I was serious and said “yes that is fine with me”. So she went to get dressed and I went to touch up and I finally got to wear my slouch boots!

I don’t have breasts yet, I am waiting for them to come in from amazon. I have small breasts, but they won’t pass, so I made sure to cover up so it wouldn’t be so noticeable. I was trying not to scrutinize every single thing or I would never make it out of the house. So we left the house and drove to the department store. This was a first in two ways, my first daylight drive and my first time walking into a public store. We parked and got out to go into the store, first thing a man walked by and looked me dead in the eyes. He had no reaction, just kept going. Whew.

We made it into the store, where my daughter said an older woman stopped on her way past us, turned around and then turned back to continue out of the store. Close one.
We shopped, going everywhere in the store. I was at a heightened state, but I was calm. Honestly I thought I would be more excited. After a few minutes I even forgot that I don’t have a feminine voice and had to remind myself to speak softly to my daughter. It was the best feeling in the world, forgetting to be afraid or that I’m in a male body. I was just a woman shopping with her daughter. I’d say the best feeling in the world.

We left the store, only being clocked by the one woman, that we noticed. Then R decided that she wanted to do something else, so we tried for riskier and more crowded. Starbucks inside a grocery store after churches let out. We got there, and it was super busy. R ordered from a trainee who took a very long time, with people behind us getting testy. I was starting to panic, not really because I got the look from a guy who kept staring at me and one of the women working behind the counter who gave me the “go girl” smile, I was starting to panic because I have never done well with crowds of people. It was warm in the store, and I was wearing a long cardigan so with my beginning panic I could feel beads of sweat starting on my upper lip. Luckily the lady who had smiled at me earlier helped the trainee and gave us the drinks so we could be on our way. Not a great time in starbucks, but more because of my tight crowds issue.

Over all, the day was very liberating and I was glad that R felt comfortable with me and unworried. We had worked out a plan if anything happened, to walk with dignity straight to our car and leave if there were any issues. We weren’t going to scamper off or cause a scene, but we would not put up with my being called out. Luckily, this didn’t happen and it was a really good day. I have more confidence and a greater understanding of what I need to do in the future.

2 thoughts on “Out in the World

  1. R was awesome! She was so calm and kept me calm. Honestly, she didn't care anything about the people, we were just shopping. I couldn't have done it without her. I have been reliving it for each moment after and I am ready to make more memories. It wasn't a thrill for me, I was just so grateful that I was able to completely forget myself. I am always on edge with other people, I feel wrong. I didn't feel wrong then, I felt – well normal. Finally.


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