I was going to have a whole weekend, but things change. My daughter is coming home today, then leaving to go to another friends for the night on Sunday. I can’t tell her this weekend. I want to give her time to process and not worry that she will completely lose it on Sunday with her friends. It is what it is. My mantra, hate that mantra.
I woke up early as always, took a shower and put on my makeup and got ready for my limited day. In my head I was thinking:
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now
And wondering what dress to wear, now
I say a little prayer for you
Just sitting there in my head. So I was singing it under my breath when I got in my truck and drove into town. Now, town is not close, it is a bit far. But I went to a store called Ingles, attached to which there is a petrol station. I got out, wearing my favorite black knee length dress, and got petrol. I was nervous, and there were a few people about. But I completed my task and even took a moment to open the passenger door and clear out any debris from my floorboards. There was one fellow, nearby that was smoking (away from the petrol, but in the parking lot) and watching me. I wanted to quickly get back in my truck and drive away, but forced myself to act normal and finish what I was doing. Either he was clocking me, or he was appreciating/evaluating the view. Either way, I was not going to stop what I wanted to do because of him.
I thought about going into the store, but there were a lot of people about in the parking area and I, quite frankly, lost my nerve. So I drove home, taking the long route and just enjoying the drive whilst listening to “Pink” on IheartRadio. I love Pink, I have always really enjoyed her music, her latest album is probably my favorite. Don’t know why I told you that. Anyway, I took the long way home and was slightly disappointed to be home. Only because I am isolated here, it’s safe and I don’t think playing it safe will make it easier for me to be around people. I am already a dedicate introvert, add my feelings of inadequacies as a woman, looking like a man, and you have a recipe for a shut-in.
I am going to make a point of going out more. Especially when I let my daughter know about me (looks like next weekend), then I will be more and more full time presenting and not this horribly uncomfortable posturing as male.
Good luck for next weekend. Hope everything goes to plan but I know even the best laid plans can go awry. M says best meet your daughter as him and then show pictures and more if she wants. And yes I have spoken to M about you 🙂
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Good luck for next weekend. Hope everything goes to plan but I know even the best laid plans can go awry. M says best meet your daughter as him and then show pictures and more if she wants. And yes I have spoken to M about you 🙂
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Thank you so much. I hope so as well 🙂 I think M is spot on, it's good advice I intend to follow. Thank you both for the support!
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