I am actually kind of amazed that I haven’t read anyone one freaking the hell out with the military lifting the ban on transgender. I thought this would be a hot issue, but so far I haven’t seen anything. Not one of my “friends” on facebook have complained about it at all. I have some ex and current military members on my facebook and for the most part they are alright, but they don’t know I am trans and these are the kind of people who would vote for Trump rather than have Hillary in office. It’s just odd that no outrage or major news organizations have jumped on this. It’s almost awesome, but I’m a pessimist so, just waiting for the other shoe and gravity to pull it to earth with a “thump”.
On a more personal note, my daughter spent the night at a friends, so guess what I got to do all of yesterday? I got to be me all Saturday long!! I got to put on makeup, inexpertly, and actually look like I took time with it. I got to wear pretty clothes and nice shoes and just be me all day long. I took photos of our yard that we worked our pretty little butts off on last week. I walked our dog and checked the mail and sat on our front porch. All the small things, I got to do as a normal woman. I was so at ease, it was so freeing just to not worry about being found out.
The only slight thing is that I think I annoyed my wife. I don’t think she is as comfortable as she says she is with me as Beth. I hate using “presenting” I’m already a woman, I present as male because I have little choice right now. So, back to my story… My wife is not comfortable with me. She was sitting on the couch and I leaned down to kiss her, my hair got in the way (wig) and my not being used to the length necessitated in my having to pull up and move it back. She seemed very annoyed with this.
I feel I am not telling this correctly. I felt she was very annoyed at my having to pull my hair out of the way to kiss her. It felt like the kind of huff you give someone when they are doing something frivolous. And her comments about my makeup skills lead me to believe that she expects me to watch YouTube and just pick up the skills she took a lifetime trying to get. Cosmetics is something even she admits she isn’t great at. They are small things, but hurtful. She doesn’t understand that I was forced to actively avoid makeup, womens fashion, I was expected to be a man to fall in line. So when I ask for help or make the comment that I would like to learn, it feels as if I am asking too much. Perhaps I am asking too much, I don’t know.
Aside from that small thing, I really did have a great day.
We are not complete, we are the broken. We were betrayed by chromosomal happenstance. We can’t have all great days, we will have a little pain with the happiness. Nothing comes without a cost, we can only mitigate that cost so much. I don’t think anyone really gets all good anything. So I am glad I was able to have some happiness and just a little pain.
Also, I’ve noticed that I often tend to lead into sad at the end of things. I’m really sorry about that. I have that tendency, you should see my poetry. I am an introverted romantic who has pessimistic leanings, so yeah I am almost always let down by reality. It’s a stupid way to live, but I sheltered in it and I never learned to walk away from it. Just want you to know that I have that self-awareness even if I can’t control the effect.