Waiting is the hardest part

The last several posts have been about life in general, I am guessing that my general life issues are not why you have started reading this blog. It’s important to understand that no matter where you are, trying to figure it out or deep into transition, that life is still going to happen. You don’t get to skip out on bad or annoying, there is no montage, no fast forward to the end. So while you may be skipping through my little stories until you find what pertains to your situation or fulfills your interests, I’m in it for the long, hard slog.
I bought makeup, some of it was clearly wrong once I got it, several months back. I rarely have the time to wear it, as I work 5 days a week, and on the weekends I have to avoid the one child who has extensive knowledge of how to apply cosmetics, and enjoys it. I look at my cosmetics drawer in our bathroom and I lament its disuse. I want to tell my daughter for a lot of reasons, who I am. But I also really want her to use her skills to make me pretty. I’m not going to have the time to figure out everything on my own, so soon she is getting told just so I can go out in public without looking like a football player wearing a cheerleader’s uniform.
I’ve found a therapist! She is close and works with trans, so that is awesome. I am making an appointment next week so that I can get started and get my letter. I am so inspired by my son Martin, who just got his letter yesterday to start on testosterone. I wish I could just give him mine and I could take his estrogen. I am jealous and proud all at the same time, Jeoud… prelous… you get the idea.
Once I start talking with the therapist, I am going to start planning for the first surgery, then the second and third. I don’t want surgery, but in my case it’s going to be needed. Feminization and orchiectomy is definitely being done, I want breasts too but that will be later.
I have a hard time spending money on myself, but this is something I have to do. I have spent most of my life hiding, letting others feel comfortable while I felt horrible and wrong. So the planning is being done and I am getting quotes and looking into the procedures. I’m excited and very scared of this year’s list of things to be done. More excited, but still afraid.

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