The introverted woman

I don’t interact with people unless I am forced. You may infer that this is because I am transgender and therefore afraid to or am not inclined to speak with people while I am in boy mode. This would be, of course, incorrect. Mostly. It could be that I was always the punching bag for my fathers frustrations, or that I was forced to live with him after the divorce and he had a LOT of frustration then.Who knows the reason, it doesn’t matter anymore.

I am not going to tell you how much better introverts are, it sucks. I’m never part of the group, or included in things and for good reason. The introvert puts up a wall few can climb, and very few ever try. It’s my own fault that I am not part of anything, but its a very big hurdle for me. There is a section of my mind that tells me not to interact, to just hang back and let others group up and be foolish. I don’t know why it’s foolish, there is no real reason to think it.

In fact, my best friend, he is almost always able to pull me over that wall. And then I find I am having a great time, being involved instead of staring through the window from the outside. But then I am right back behind the wall again.

How does this tie into my being transgender? Well, lets follow a short progression…

Transgender –> Human being

So, yeah that sums it up. But I am affected as a transgender by being introverted. I don’t get all the information that most would in a group setting. I don’t bond with anyone other than the people I am already around. I don’t go out much and I don’t stick my neck out at all, so for me to say that I drove into town as the female that I am, is a HUGE deal to me but to no one else.

There will be those who don’t understand this, being introverted, just like many won’t understand my being transgender. Shake it off, just stop doing it, you can change if you really want to, just be part of the group and also just be a boy. Who you are can change in small ways, but you can’t change the core of you. You can’t wish the gay away, you can’t stop being introverted and you can’t not be a girl on the inside.

I don’t enjoy being who I am, I want to be a part of things and I want to just be a girl. It’s a nice recipe for depression, and I do get down sometimes. I have learned to push those feelings down when I have to. And this isn’t a post about depression, just an observation.

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