Today is my wife’s graduation day. She has been going to a community college for several years now and today is her day. I am very proud of her, I love her and I know she is so very happy and justifiable a bit prideful. There is a graduation ceremony that will last hours, then we are having friends and family over after for a celebration cook-out. Throughout all of this, I will be in hiding. It has never been so pronounced since I came out to her months ago, my need to be who I am and this feeling of disgust every time I have to hide it.
Each morning, when I have to change into my male work clothes or on the weekend when the kids will get up and I have to change, I hate myself for changing. It’s like each time is life declaring that I am a man, and that really hits me hard.
Let me be clear, there is no way in hell I am going to ruin her day with my issues. I don’t care for groups of people, even those I know well. I’m not going to let that be an issue today either. I am writing on here, not acting out there. I just want to go to her graduation as her wife and enjoy the people at the party as the proud female partner. I’m so sad right now, but I’ll swallow it and compartmentalize. It’s not ideal, but my life has been a lot of “it is what it is” situations and I don’t have a choice but to deal with it.
I know it’s the sad-sack thing that makes some of my posts hard to read. Again, this is one side of my life you are seeing. I don’t share everything on here, just mostly what pertains to this facet of my life. My life isn’t horrible, it’s actually pretty good. I am prone to caution and solemnness, so it can seem like I don’t enjoy my life. I don’t know if I would be a different person had I lived it as a biological woman, I just know I would have been a happier person overall.
Ok, now I am rambling again. I have to go help put up decorations before we go to the ceremony, so I will bid you adieu for now.