I don’t often get to be outside in the sun, just being me. This is because I have not come out to two of the children, one of which is an adult. I want to give my daughter some time through puberty and I am dealing with our adult son, who is completely without ambition and with whom we may very well have to kick out of the house. So, last weekend, when I was able to not only be outside in a cute dress and nice hair, but also spend time on the phone with my Mom, it was the closest to joy I can possibly get in this situation.
Since the children always sleep late on the weekends, I felt no pressure to come in and change my clothes or hide who I am. I was up early, at 4:30am and went outside, which was a nice 65 degrees. (I have always been a winter person. In the winter, layers of clothes hide you. But since coming out to my wife, I find that I love the spring/summer now, completely changed my outlook.) So, I sat in one of the chairs on the patio, which is in the middle of the back yard, and just read an ebook. – It’s amazing how something as simple as crossing ones, smoothly shaven legs while balancing a slipper on a toe, can make me feel. I mean truly feel. There are moments when the feeling of femininity takes away my breath. – Then around 8am, I called my Mom to wish her a happy mother’s day. I haven’t come out to her. I don’t really know how she would take it, years ago she would have been fine, but I am not going to cause her stress or any issues, as she is struggling with stage 4 lung cancer. We had a very nice talk and I got to present as myself while I did it, walking around our property, with the sun streaming down and no fear of being judged. It was a nice day, though it was tempered by my concerns for my mother’s health.
I find myself thinking about that day on an almost constant basis now. How nice it would be if I could just keep my job while coming out and just move on with being full time.