Red, green and all the colors in between

I was angry yesterday, it comes with the territory if you aren’t transgender and depressed, then you are probably transgender and angry. What do I know? I know (IRL) two transgender people and one of them is an 18 year old, the other is lil’ ol’ me. Embrace the contractions. I know that I was angry.

I am a middle aged (hedging my bets) woman, trapped in a mans body. I work in a place that is actively intolerant of anyone different, all due to a few senior managers. That place in which I work also requires me to occasionally get completely undressed and go into a separate room to put on clean room clothing. My mom has level 4 lung cancer that she has defeated for 15 years, but now it is winning fast. I’m not going to put my mom through my problems. I get to watch every woman being women and here I am in a male meat suit. No reason to be a little edgy, right?

My life has been about suppressing and hiding. And something I wrote yesterday kind of stuck with me. I’m not an outgoing personality, nor am I quirky. I am an introvert and somewhat emotionally needy, and that doesn’t seem to work for being out in the open.

I am much more like Kim in “Different for Girls”. I am shy and I don’t want to be outspoken. I just want to be me. That paints me as a wallflower, perhaps I am, I’m not outgoing. I see other blogs where they are going out to clubs or having meetings in which they can talk to one another, and I am in awe of their ability to do that. I actively avoid social situations, which may be a result of not being able to be who I am. Same reason I avoid having photos taken of me. What I see when I think of me, is vastly different than what others see.

So, angry, yes? Now I am just a bit down, the anger is gone for now.

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