My wife is gone this weekend for a conference. So I am going to ramble a bit about things.
At one time, I would have relished this time, especially my first marriage. I would have waited for the taillights of the car to disappear and then I would have raced to her closet. It would have been the short time I had in which to try on a dress, or lingerie or her shoes (which never fit in either marriage, damn feet). I would have just enjoyed the feeling of being in clothes that didn’t make me feel like the man-skin I was in. And then it would be gone. I would hurriedly put everything back exactly like I had found it and pretend that it never happened for another couple of days or weeks. I won’t lie, there were times I masturbated, in the luxurious, completely involved way that happens when you let yourself completely be a woman.
Now, I just miss my wife while she is gone. I could still open her closet and try things on. She has some nice dresses I would like to try, and I may once she gets back and I ask her if it’s alright to do so. I have my own clothes, ones I don’t have to throw away if someone gets close to finding out, or if I have to move. I do have to dodge the children a bit, but since they are rarely up earlier than 9am, I have been at work long before that is an issue. I have a drawer full of panties, socks and leggings/pantyhose, no backup mens underwear, just the things I will wear. I have mens shirts, that is all I have left of the penis-y side of my biological self. I’m slowly shedding the disguise I have been wearing for so long it’s become the itchy sweater of a straitjacket.
In my first marriage, it was fraught with hiding who I was and dealing with wanting to be her. Well, I wanted to have her body. I got married for the wrong reasons. So it was little wonder that it didn’t work out. With my current wife, I don’t want to be her. I am attracted to her, but I don’t want to be her. I want to be her wife, not a husband, in the eyes of the world. I want to be attractive to her. I want to be like any other couple of women in love.