My wife and kids are away on a weekend camping trip that I couldn’t attend due to work. So, I am home alone! I picked out a cute outfit, put on some nail polish, and took our dog for a walk. I wish I had a nice wig, my next purchase or perhaps a christmas gift from the wife? I keep my hair short for work, unfortunately. Perhaps that will change for the new company…
Ok, so I waffle back and forth on transitioning. It’s a matter of telling my mother, who is very sick and I don’t want to be any additional stress on her already fragile state. And my job, which I am currently going through transition within itself. I want to start HRT, I want to do something! I have waited so long, far too long. I also worry that my wife will think this is something that won’t include her. It will always include her. I don’t worry about her family, she has always been above what her parents think. I worry more about my family (other than my mom), who I am still trying to please for some reason. Anyway, I waffle. waffle, syrup, waffle and butter.
I used to do a podcast with my best friend, we will call him… D’Argo. We covered some geek related things like BtVS and Farscape and other things. It got pretty popular actually, I was surprised to find. We were guest speakers at a few cons and were even asked for a few autographs. I only mention this because I really miss podcasting. I found a few files from the podcast and I am just very nostalgic right now. Anyway, D’Argo got married and has been ill for a while, he was the real talent of the show, I was the director/producer and the co-talent. I miss those days. Sigh.
I want to tell D’Argo that I am not John (a boy), but Aeryn (me, girly girl). Ok Aeryn is a bad choice, she is a bad ass and I am not that confrontational. I want to tell him that I am me, a girl. However, he is married to a woman that treats him badly, that doesn’t have his best interests at heart, but that he still for some reason loves. I would rather her not have this information. So, sadly I must keep this information from a man that I truly love as my brother. I am not in the least worried about telling him, he would not abandon me, he would accept me. But what his wife would do with the information (shudder) I don’t want to think. Eventually, this may all be a moot point, should I transition. I just miss my brother and the few times we talk, I stop short of telling him everything I want to tell him.
I am participating in a few support groups online. I am trying to find a group in RL, so wish me luck on that in this small town area. I am listening to a few podcasts, and I mentioned one of them previously, Trans-ponder.com. However, I started at the beginning, I am a completion-ist that way, so I didn’t realize that it had pod-faded for some reason. so it ends in 2014 which is sad. I’m not to the end yet, far from it, so I am ploughing ahead with it until the inevitable end. It’s still a good podcast and worth the listen.
I am happy in my life, I am happy with my family. I am deeply sad about me. I don’t know where the time went, I don’t know why I didn’t act while I was young. I am so angry at young me for being so stupid. Sure, it was harder to find any information without the interwebs, and transitioning seemed like an impossibility, but why oh why didn’t I do it then? I spent way too much time being hopeful that some entity would just change me into a girl, that some magic would fix all my problems. I spent too much time ignoring what I was because I didn’t feel there was any way out. Bah, now I am in a bad mood. Ok, going to drink my quickly cooling cup of tea.