I have been on the cusp of telling people, my son, my daughters, my best friend, about me. I don’t think any of them would have a problem really, our youngest perhaps would have trouble understanding. The thing stopping me is, well me. If I tell them who I am, I fear they will forget who I was to them. I am a woman, but I am still proudly their father (and in the case of my best friend, still his best friend).
The duality is the crux of being Trans. I remember as a young adult, seeing a person dressed half as a bride and half as a groom on some tv show. It was a mental punch that I couldn’t avoid. The symbolism of who I was, a man on the outside, a woman on the inside, it was not an easy thing to see. I was always repelled by that costuming, a mockery of my situation. In my day to day, I try to avoid recognizing my body, I keep everything compartmentalized. I brush my teeth, focus on the teeth, I shave my face, just keep focus on my eyes. I try not to take myself all in, I don’t want to see this man standing there. I don’t like photos of myself, I avoid group photos at all costs. I don’t hate me, I hate the shell that I am wearing.
Anyway, I have been on the verge several times, telling my family and friend about who I really am. There is this pull to let them know that I am the soul and not the body they see. I don’t like lying, I don’t like omitting which is just an easy lie. I believe they deserve to know the truth. My wife has been keeping my secret, but now I feel false when I don’t acknowledge who I am with others while she is present.
Our youngest just had a birthday and she wants to go to Goodwill with me, she likes to get clothes there. It’s become a thing for the two of us, going to Goodwill and searching for cool things for her to wear. I’m really good at picking out cute outfits, she has no idea why. But I wish I could shop with her, find cute outfits together. Just two ladies shopping without some stigma of “the weird guy trying on womens clothes” being the issue. So, we just shop for her stuff, all the while I am mentally marking the outfits I would put together.
I’m all over the place today, sorry. It’s rainy and chilly, really my kind of weather. I have a nice hot cup of earl grey, with lots of sugar and it’s dark outside. Nice time right now. I wore my favorite dress and slippers for while, went for a short walk before the rain started up again, the little moments of feeling feminine, of feeling free from myself. The air blowing across my smooth legs and the nice swish of my dress as I walked is just freeing.
I love my family, but I look forward to the rare times when they are all gone from the house and I can just be me all day long. I can sit out on the front porch in a cute outfit and read my kindle and watch people drive by. (they can’t see my house very well from the road, so I don’t feel exposed at all) There are times where I will listen to Selena Gomez who has a wonderful voice, or Christina Perri and dance. I can close my eyes and dance with no thoughts of this body, just me dancing. Just Beth dancing to music.