We all have our problems. I think most transgenders first problem is that they weren’t physically born the gender they should be. I don’t know of anyone that likes being transgender. Now for non-transitioning transgender, we aren’t typically targeted by bigots or the right wing religious zealots. However, we endure the pain of their words and hate. We can get by in the world, on the outside. On the inside we mourn, on the inside we contemplate ending it all at some point. Non-transitioning doesn’t mean we accept who we are, it means we have trouble accepting physical changes as a real solution. My getting surgery doesn’t make me a girl, I already am, but my body will now be this imitation of a girl in the most shallow of ways. I’m not saying that those who do change their bodies are wrong or imitations, they are brave and glorious for their courage. I just feel this way about myself.
I don’t want to be trans, I want to be me, just a girl.
Being non-transitioning means we don’t have an outlet. Right now, I am wearing a cute little black skater dress. I can appreciate that I feel feminine, but I can’t look in a mirror or the spell is broken. It is currently 5 am and I will have to be careful to change into mens clothes in a bit before my children wake up. I would be mortified if my wife saw me wearing a dress. She knows I have them, I have shown her what I buy. But I don’t want her to look at me while I wear them, I am stuck in this male body. So, I have early mornings and when everyone is out of the house to wear the things that make me feel somewhat normal. It’s a rare thing. Even then I can’t go outside during the day in what I want to wear, I would feel horrible if anyone saw this “guy” wearing a sun dress. I want them to see what I feel, this woman wearing a sun dress on a nice day. On the inside, I curl up into myself in pain.
So, sure we have a luxury, that of getting by as our physical selves, but we die a little more each day for not being who we are. Our entire lives are spent acting like we are this person in the mirror.