I’ve spoken of my fiancé a few times in previous posts. Other than my coming out, I don’t know that we have had a really frank discussion about my being transgender. I mean, she acknowledges that I am, and we discuss things like pansexuality, of which she is. And I have to admit after having the discussion, I most likely am as well. But there are things, where we had discussed going to the goodwill for our girls to go shopping for clothes, which they absolutely love to do. I had mentioned that I would like her to buy me a few dresses if we go, she kind of laughed and didn’t comment on that. I don’t know if this made her uncomfortable, or if because I am hiding this from our kids that somehow she is disappointed?
I have chosen not to tell the kids because they had a biological father who wasn’t around and made excuses and wanted drugs more than his children. He was a huge letdown to them before he ended up dying from a drug overdose. So I don’t want them to feel as if they are losing another father all over again. I think they would be accepting of whatever I chose to be, but they would feel hurt that yet another father has decided to be something else, other than there for them. It may well be cowardice on my part, I know that, I’ve practiced it for years, which is why I’m still a man.
So, the crux of this post is, I’m not sure exactly where I stand with my fiancé. I know she is good with it, but can I dress how I would like, act how I actually feel in front of her? I don’t want her to feel I am being foolish or grasping for something that isn’t going to happen. I just want to be me, even with this body anchoring me into this gender. I wear panties and I do wear womens jeans, she hasn’t commented on this and she does the laundry a lot more than I do. But I don’t think I can wear womens tops or dresses around her, I get the sense she would think it was stupid. I mean, it is in this body, but when no one is around, I don’t feel like a man wearing girl clothes, I can just feel like me wearing clothes I feel good in.
Anyway, am I being crazy? I haven’t told her about this blog yet. I want to, but I wanted something I could write in without fear, so I could be honest about my feelings. I don’t want to pander to her, or passively show her my feelings on here. I just want to get my thoughts out there.
I’m not sure how to feel or what to do, if anyone has suggestions, I would love to hear them.