Rattling the chains of me

I’ve been going to a lot of trans sites lately, (I’ve always felt like a girl, but circumstances and money have always been an issue) and found a lot of really good information. I don’t have a girls body-type, and I have a lot of body hair which bothers me. I tried shaving my face, and I can keep it clean shaven for a day, then I have to shave again, and even then in a few hours it doesn’t look clean shaven. My legs and armpits do fine, I can keep them smooth for three or four days at a time, but my face is a lost cause in my current condition. I can’t be physically a woman, so I know that this is all just to make me feel better, but it bothers me to no end that if I wanted to wear a dress or a cute outfit, I would still be in a mans body and on top of that, I would be sporting at the very least a 5 o’clock shadow. I don’t want to be a circus freak, or gawked at, I just want to be me and me isn’t this body. I hate tucking as well, but I don’t know if I would have ever gone all the way with that, since there is a lot of things that can go wrong. I don’t want to really cut anything off, I just want it to have never been there at all.

A lot of times, I dream about being a woman and there are times where I know the feeling of someone being inside me. I love women, but I think that even then, I would want her to thrust into me. I can get excited through anal stimulation, but in the dreams, it’s not that way, it’s the sensations (I can only surmise) are through vaginal stimulation. It’s different than when my penis is stimulated, it’s not the sharp finish? I guess? I don’t know, but I wake up feeling desperately empty inside after those dreams.

Our daughter is going to spend some time with her friends in another state, and this would be a great time to wear something I could enjoy, a dress or a nice blouse, a sundress. But I only have to see a reflection of the skin I am in and then I would feel a right idiot for doing it. I don’t want to look foolish, grasping for a feeling in front of my fiancé. She would be fine, I would not. Sigh.

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